Chapter 1: The Impact of Expectations

Your expectations of me aren't my concern, particularly when they're not communicated clearly prior to any judgments.

“It feels like you’re not meeting our expectations.”

I could tell that giving me critical feedback was challenging for her. Despite the difficulty of maintaining eye contact over a video call, she seemed to be avoiding my gaze.

While I’m accustomed to receiving feedback, something felt off about this interaction. The call was unexpected, her points were vague, and her discomfort was palpable.

I prompted her to clarify, and she mentioned my lack of campaigns — a valid point. Yet, throughout our strategic discussions over the past year, we had collectively decided to prioritize resolving issues on the website and establishing clear marketing objectives from various business units before launching full-scale campaigns.

Given that these prerequisites had not been addressed, we hadn’t executed any campaigns. I had previously attempted to brainstorm campaign ideas with a colleague from sales, but I was reprimanded for what was deemed a misallocation of my time since we weren't prepared to implement such campaigns yet.

I refrained from defending myself; I had learned that it’s best to listen intently when receiving feedback before formulating a response. So, I allowed her to continue speaking. However, her explanations left me even more confused. After the call ended, I took a moment to breathe deeply, feeling on the verge of tears. Much of what she said was accurate, yet the context was either absent or misinterpreted, transforming my performance over the past year into a distorted version of reality. And now, I was facing harsh judgment for it.

After a night of reflection, I drafted an email to both her and the HR head, articulating my disagreement with the feedback and requesting a meeting with them both. I also questioned why management hadn’t raised concerns about my performance during our regular strategic meetings if they were truly worried.

The HR head quickly replied with empathy and scheduled a meeting, while my manager remained silent. The atmosphere at the office felt strained over the next few days. By the time our three-way discussion occurred, my anxiety was at an all-time high. However, I was prepared. With the help of some supportive colleagues, I gathered evidence to back my claims.

The response from my colleagues to my overly negative review was heartening. They acknowledged that improvement was always possible, but the way I was depicted felt like an attack on my character.

As the HR manager opened the meeting with a smile, she acknowledged that receiving negative feedback was never enjoyable but emphasized that improving my results was essential, and we were all present to discuss what I required to meet their expectations.

Confused and frustrated, I sifted through my documents. This was not the conversation I had anticipated. I thought we would discuss the unfairness of my review and my opportunity to defend myself, rather than being accused of being unable to handle negative feedback.

The HR manager reiterated the shortcomings that my supervisor had already mentioned. “In summary,” she stated with a professional demeanor, “our expectations have not been met.”

Once again, I sought clarification. When she elaborated on the absence of campaigns, I presented my printed notes from strategic meetings indicating that we had agreed not to run campaigns yet, alongside the proposal my sales colleague and I had developed.

She examined the proposal with interest. “There are some excellent ideas here; why didn’t you pursue them?”

I glanced at my manager. “Because I was informed that these ideas were a waste of time.”

She quickly countered, “If you truly believed in your ideas, you should have been more persuasive.”

In that moment, it became clear to me that this meeting was futile. Their minds were already made up; I was simply a disappointment they wanted to fix, and nothing I could say would change that perception.

“Beyond the campaigns, there’s more to discuss. When we hired you, we had specific expectations —”

“What expectations?” I interrupted. “Throughout the year, I’ve received minimal feedback and addressed the concerns brought to my attention, so what went awry?”

What followed was a long-winded and convoluted explanation, with frequent interruptions that strayed off-topic. Ultimately, they revealed that when they hired me, they expected me to resolve longstanding issues they had faced.

One business unit manager was notorious for working independently rather than collaborating with sales and marketing. “Given your demeanor, we thought you could finally get him to cooperate.”

The more they explained, the more bewildered I felt. They had placed me on an unrealistic pedestal, expecting me to be a savior who could rectify numerous persistent problems that no one else had managed to resolve.

None of these expectations had been clearly conveyed; many were utterly unattainable. Now, having discovered that I was just an ordinary marketer and not a miraculous “Supermarketer,” they were directing their frustrations toward me. And now I was expected to articulate what I needed to meet their expectations?

What I truly required were well-defined and realistic marketing objectives, not vague anticipations about how I was supposed to transform their toxic workplace culture. Their expectations were not my concern, nor were my abilities or limitations. How could one possibly meet expectations they were unaware of?

(It's worth noting that generally, claiming ignorance of expectations is often not a valid defense when receiving negative feedback or facing the consequences of one’s actions. A judge is unlikely to accept, “I didn’t know it was wrong to drive significantly over the limit while intoxicated!” after being caught red-handed, just as “You never said I couldn’t get your cousin pregnant!” wouldn’t absolve me of the anger I’d feel if my ex were to do so.)

I won’t sugarcoat it; I felt utterly miserable for most of that meeting. At times, I was on the brink of tears. Regardless of the circumstances, being labeled a disappointment unexpectedly stings. Yet, I found a sense of relief when I realized this entire situation was not truly about me.

They had constructed an unrealistic fantasy of who I was and what I could achieve, and they were now frustrated that I didn’t align with their imagined narrative. That was their issue, not mine. Their unreasonable expectations were not my responsibility.

It was akin to being upset with a frog for not transforming into a prince after a kiss. The frog had not solicited such treatment and was unaware of the expectation to become a prince. Holding onto such fantastical beliefs is a personal problem, not one for the frog to bear.

That meeting took place over three years ago, and while it was painful and took time to overcome, I am grateful for the experience.

(A fun tidbit: last year, I received a raise and was commended for my improvements. While I haven’t drastically changed, I am now evaluated against realistic standards, making my performance shine.)

The understanding that others’ expectations of me are their burden, not mine, has been invaluable. It has also highlighted the importance of clear communication regarding expectations.

I have made the same mistake as my supervisor, holding expectations of others and then feeling disappointed when they don’t meet them. This creates an inequitable situation where I chastise someone for not being able to read my mind.

(And to clarify, I’m not referring to cheating with family members. That’s an expectation that should be inherently understood. Similarly, I shouldn’t have to explicitly tell guests not to defecate on my floor. Some things are simply understood.)

Now, when I have expectations of someone, I verify two things: are my expectations realistic? And is the other person aware of these expectations?

More often than I’d like to admit, one or both of those answers turns out to be ‘no.’ It’s a steep learning curve, but it’s helping me become a better friend, sister, daughter, and yes, even a better employee.

I genuinely believe we would all benefit from taking responsibility for our expectations instead of placing blame on others for their inability to read our minds.

Despite my growth in my current job, I am seeking new opportunities. If you’d like to assist me, please visit my profile to read more of my stories. If you enjoy them, share them with friends or on social media. And if you don’t enjoy my stories? Well, that sounds like a you-problem.

Chapter 2: Managing Expectations in Adult Friendships

This first video discusses practical steps to avoid falling victim to your expectations and emphasizes the importance of realistic goal-setting.

The second video focuses on the nuances of managing expectations within adult friendships, highlighting the importance of communication and understanding.