Chapter 1: The Burden of High Expectations

We often find ourselves trapped by excessively lofty standards. I have come to realize that my personal definition of success revolves around achieving a healthy work-life balance.

It was nearing the end of the workday when my boss approached me, pulling up a chair beside my desk. He handed me a revised version of my report and stated, “You need to rewrite this; it lacks factual accuracy.” I felt a rush of surprise and self-consciousness, especially as he addressed me in front of my colleagues instead of speaking with me privately. “Sure, I’ll review it again,” I managed to respond.

After making some adjustments, I submitted it for another round of evaluation. “This is an improvement. Keep it up,” he encouraged. I felt a mix of relief and disappointment; I had believed my task was to analyze and summarize, but it seemed my role was simply to paraphrase. While this was an easier task, it frustrated me to realize that I was complicating my work unnecessarily. I cherished creative writing, but this position didn't allow me to utilize that skill. I left the office that day feeling lost, insecure, and underpaid, grappling with the inadequacies of my early career experiences. I felt like I was failing to meet expectations and was not receiving the clear feedback I needed.

As I drove home that evening, tears streamed down my face.

This incident occurred during a challenging period in my life. I had just graduated from college and was struggling to adapt to adulthood. Moving back in with my parents, who quarreled daily, only added to my stress. Their constant criticism intensified my perfectionist tendencies, making me feel like I had to excel at everything. I felt distanced from my friends, who had moved on to various paths. Whether they were pursuing graduate studies or settling back at home, our connections felt strained. I lacked a support system to discuss my home life challenges, and my parents did not grasp the difficulties I faced at work. I was still learning the ropes in my new job and set impossibly high expectations for myself.

Every day felt like an uphill battle. Commuting two hours each day, I was disheartened to find that my earnings and performance fell short of my expectations. I placed immense pressure on myself to succeed quickly, leading to confusion and despair when I struggled to keep up. The weight of my self-imposed judgments was overwhelming. I felt utterly alone and foolish, tears flowing as I navigated the rush-hour traffic home. I had convinced myself that life had to be a relentless uphill climb, and I believed that was the only way to live.

“Disability, trauma, and burnout can occur at any time for anyone. This doesn’t diminish your worth. Please don’t tie your value to your career or financial status. You are so much more than that, and these aspects often lie beyond your control. Nurture your hobbies, regardless of how trivial or unproductive they may seem. Learning to find joy in your daily life and knowing how to self-soothe is crucial.” — Sólveig Eva Magnúsdóttir

Reflecting on that time, I see how I imposed unnecessary burdens on myself, complicating my tasks beyond necessity. The job involved much copying and synthesizing; I wasn't required to generate original content. I simply needed to discern relevant information and present it coherently. My boss likely wasn’t critiquing me as harshly as I believed, recognizing that I was still new in my role. I didn’t need to be overly concerned about my parents’ opinions. What I truly needed was to cultivate self-compassion and patience. Sharing my struggles with friends could have provided valuable support.

I had become accustomed to life feeling like an arduous climb up a vertical ice mountain. I equated difficulty with normalcy and assumed my work would mirror that struggle. My employers were aware of my experience level and assigned me tasks that were suitable for my abilities. I was the one making it harder by insisting on working at a level above my expectations. Deep down, I recognized that I was capable of fulfilling the responsibilities assigned to me. The realization that I wasn’t performing to my potential weighed heavily on me, leaving me feeling like a pretzel twisted by conflicting emotions. This internal turmoil was the source of my tears.

Years later, I learned that professional life shouldn't feel like a daily ascent up a vertical mountain. It shouldn’t leave me awake at night, anxious and worried about my capabilities. I realized that work aligned with my skills and experience could be manageable. I could approach assignments with confidence, and when I faced challenges slightly outside my expertise, a supportive manager could guide me through it. I began to understand that my work experience should feel more like a gentle hill than a treacherous climb.

Moreover, I recognized that healthy individuals do not strive for the impossible. They take pride in their accomplishments, regardless of scale. They accept that they are valuable and worthy without needing to achieve extraordinary feats. Smaller successes are equally commendable and meaningful. They understand that their self-worth is not dictated by their job title or salary, which often lie beyond their control. If this is the healthier approach, I wanted to adopt it. I developed a greater sense of self-compassion.

“This isn’t a competition. Work and life shouldn’t be a race.”

However, I fell back into the habit of overexerting myself when I started a new job. Within weeks, I was racing to learn everything at lightning speed, feeling disheartened when I didn’t grasp concepts immediately. My manager and colleagues praised my swift adaptation, saying, “Wow, you’re picking this up quickly!” When I led my first meeting, my manager praised me, saying, “Fantastic job! You conducted it exceptionally well!” While I appreciated the accolades, I found myself fixating on work without taking necessary breaks, prioritizing it above all else. I realized this approach was neither sustainable nor aligned with my values.

After several months of intense work, I had to remind myself that this wasn’t a competition. There was no need to rush through learning or take on excessive workloads to validate my worth. Doing so would only lead to burnout early in my new role, which I wanted to avoid. I sought ways to slow down to a more sustainable pace, allowing space for other aspects of my life. Engaging in activities outside work helped me detach from work stress. Exercise, for instance, became a vital part of my routine, providing a necessary release after work.

Yet, as I began to pull back, I faced a dilemma. I noticed that reducing my workload meant receiving fewer compliments for my efforts. I needed to become comfortable with the idea of being okay without constant praise. I worried about falling behind, especially with coworkers eager to prove themselves by working extra hours. This created an internal conflict, as I had to consciously resist the urge to compete with my ambitious peers.

I worked to limit my assignments even as they eagerly volunteered for everything. This sometimes meant allowing them to take the lead on projects I was interested in. I had to step back, acknowledging my exhaustion from prior assignments and my desire to take a break instead of jumping into another demanding project. Logically, I understood that new opportunities would arise, and I couldn’t manage all of them. Prioritizing my well-being required occasionally relinquishing the lead.

During one instance where I stepped back from an assignment to prioritize self-care, doubts crept in. “Am I missing out on a great opportunity? I can push through if I need to. What if I fall behind?” Despite my exhaustion and the desire for rest, I wrestled with the decision. Even after encouraging a colleague to take charge, I felt a surge of anxiety about whether I was making the right choice. Ultimately, I knew that neglecting my need for rest would lead to resentment toward the project. I stood firm in my decision.

In a world dominated by hustle culture, I am choosing to redefine success for myself. To me, success means enjoying life, including my work and relationships. I don’t aspire to be a superstar or the top performer; I simply want to do my job well and maintain a pace that is sustainable long-term. If I find myself questioning, “Why am I doing this? It feels pointless,” then I don’t consider that a successful day. My success hinges on whether my daily choices align with my values. It’s about achieving a fulfilling quality of life while allowing myself the space to relax. It's about striking the right balance between my career and personal life, ensuring I have time for loved ones, self-care, and my passions.

I acknowledge that my manager may notice some colleagues working longer hours than I do, which is fair. They may be genuinely putting in more time. I can’t control their actions or my manager's perceptions. All I can do is focus on performing well in my own right. I choose to work intelligently, taking on a manageable workload while selecting a few challenging assignments. Moreover, I will use my vacation and sick days as needed to maintain my work-life equilibrium. While the future remains uncertain, I can find satisfaction in the choices I make at the end of each day. By consistently following this path, I believe I will ultimately find happiness in the outcomes, whatever they may be.

Chapter 2: Lessons from Experience

In this TEDx talk, Tammer Malaty shares insights on redefining success, emphasizing the importance of personal fulfillment and balance in life.

This video discusses how to redefine success in both business and personal life, highlighting the importance of self-acceptance and sustainable practices.