Rebuilding After the Cost of Seeking Validation
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Chapter 1: The Illusion of Success
In my early thirties, I held the position of head of sales at a thriving company, earning a salary that placed me in the top 1% in my country. To outsiders, it seemed I had everything — success, financial stability, and a bright future ahead. However, behind the scenes, my incessant craving for validation was quietly undermining all my achievements. This need for approval ultimately led to my professional downfall, initiating a painful yet transformative process of rebuilding my life.
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Section 1.1: Blurred Boundaries
As a leader, I believed that fostering relationships through social gatherings was beneficial for my team. In the sales industry, such interactions can be healthy if boundaries are respected. Unfortunately, I crossed those boundaries, spending excessive time drinking with colleagues. One evening, I made remarks that deeply affected a coworker, likely touching upon her most profound insecurities. The irony? I couldn’t even recall my words.
She expressed that while she couldn’t forgive me, she was open to maintaining a professional relationship, though our friendship had ended. Although we continued to work together, my guilt obscured my judgment. I mistakenly interpreted her need for space as a personal attack, feeling a shift in our dynamic. Instead of accepting her decision, I forced attempts to reconcile, hoping to restore our friendship.
Subsection 1.1.1: The Cycle of Guilt
By insisting on her forgiveness and trying to manipulate the situation, I lost the respect of her and my other team members. This only intensified my guilt, leading to increased drinking and escalating poor behavior. I found myself trapped in a toxic cycle where negative actions reinforced negative feelings, spiraling downward.
Section 1.2: The Consequences
That disastrous party occurred two years ago, but I was unable to forgive myself and continued to seek her forgiveness unconsciously. This harmful behavior drained my joy and fueled my quest for external validation. Eventually, my CEO faced a difficult choice: retain me and risk jeopardizing the team or let me go to restore stability. Ultimately, the decision was clear, and I was dismissed.
Chapter 2: The Path to Self-Discovery
The video titled "The ROOT CAUSE Of Trauma & Why You FEEL LOST In Life | Dr. Gabor Maté & Jay Shetty" explores how unresolved trauma can affect our lives and lead to a persistent need for validation. In this insightful discussion, experts delve into the psychological impacts of trauma and offer perspectives on healing and self-acceptance.
This decision shattered me, but it was ultimately what was best for both my team and myself. This painful experience revealed how toxic I had become toward myself.
Lessons Learned
Some individuals may never forgive, and that’s perfectly acceptable. It’s essential to release them for a balanced life. The pursuit of validation in a professional environment can lead to a loss of respect.
Now, a year after my termination, I recognize that this event served as a catalyst for my personal growth — a path I might not have embarked on otherwise. Initially, accepting this reality was challenging, but I have since transformed those feelings into gratitude.
What I Learned in Therapy
To move forward, I had to set aside my ego and seek help from a therapist. I learned that my behavior stemmed from deeper issues rather than just one event. When individuals lack internal respect, they often seek it externally in unhealthy ways. This external validation is fueled by internal insecurity, but one can work on their self-esteem from within. This involves confronting fears and insecurities instead of masking them by seeking approval.
After losing everything, I finally reached a place of self-acceptance. I discovered the significance of embracing discomfort and vulnerability. I learned that genuine confidence arises from being at ease with oneself, imperfections included, rather than projecting an idealized version of oneself. With self-acceptance comes the liberation from the constant need for validation, breaking the cycle of demanding respect and manipulating others for it.