Chapter 1: The Autocorrect Frustration

Dear Autocorrect,

I’m utterly fed up with your antics.

For years, you've turned my communication into a source of embarrassment. I want to scream “hell!” but instead, I often end up typing “he’ll,” which is not what I mean. You’ve made a fool of me for the last time, and I can't even figure out how to switch you off! You're like a teenager who's always ready for action.

Now, you might be wondering how you’ve affected my daily life. Let me spell it out for you so you don’t mess it up this time.

Let’s start with the basics. You are a feature in a word processing program, and you should be familiar with common words: the, and, of, my, specifically “to” and “go.”

Every day I type phrases like “I need to go to the store” or “What time do you need to go?” I think you get the point. So why, dear autocorrect, do you insist that I’m talking about Togo, the West African nation, every single time? You even suggest inserting a cute Togolese emoji when I’m just trying to discuss my daughter’s dance class!

I reside in Canada, and my daughter doesn’t take dance lessons in Togo. My fingers might slip as I type, but you should know what I mean. Please, just stop.

Chapter 2: The Name Game

Let’s address the issue of names. I understand that there are countless names and various spellings, but you should have a grasp on the people I communicate with regularly by now.

For instance, if I’m messaging my sister, Michelle, and her name is saved as Michelle in my contacts, you should assume that's how I want to spell it.

You change her name to Michael or suggest a different spelling, which is infuriating! Luckily, she has a laid-back personality. If you started calling her Debbie, I’d be writing a much harsher letter!

You also mess with her husband, Jeremy. While I usually call him Jer, you insist on calling him JER. Why all the excitement over that?

You alter Scott to scoot, Heather to feather, Chandra to chandelier, and Geoff to golf. It’s a matter of respect, and it’s clear you have none.

Chapter 3: The Censorship

I have a penchant for colorful language, and you know this by now. Yet you persist in attempting to sanitize my vocabulary. I’m telling you to knock it off; it’s not going to happen.

If I want to express my frustration about something being a “ducking piece of shot,” I’ll backspace and type exactly what I mean. Your relentless corrections just make me angrier.

You’re capable of predicting my professional texts with remarkable accuracy, but the moment I use stronger language, you go haywire. Sure, I once cared for a few ducks last summer, but that was a fleeting moment. I rarely talk about ducks otherwise.

So here’s an idea: assume I don’t want to discuss ducks and let me express myself freely. If I ever want to talk about ducks for real, I’ll correct it myself. Sound good?

And just to clarify, I would never refer to someone as a “butch” or a “cent.”

Chapter 4: Wrapping It Up

So, that’s my main grievance with you. There’s so much more to address, but I’m focusing on the big issues for now. You seem oblivious to how often you make me look foolish, especially in front of important people.

Is it my responsibility to proofread? Maybe. But it’s also yours.

If I could just explain to Michael—sorry, Michelle—and JER that my phone is the problem… you know what? Forget it. You’ve become a nuisance, and you’re clearly on a mission to sabotage me.

I hope you burn in hell.

Dab (or is it Deb?)

Chapter 5: Helpful Resources

Learn how to effectively use auto-correct features in Microsoft Word to improve your writing experience.

Discover how to auto-correct the first letters of sentences in Microsoft Word for better text formatting.