Chapter 1: Understanding the Challenges

In therapy, I often encounter older women who find it difficult to connect with their adult daughters or daughters-in-law. The following points illustrate some of the common concerns voiced by these mothers:

• She seems uninterested in closeness.
• I lack insight into her life.
• She rarely wants to spend time together.
• She seeks financial support but dismisses my advice.
• She is warm to others but distant with me.
• She appears to dominate my son.
• I don’t see my grandchildren enough.

I empathize with these women; their distress is palpable. They often feel that they have invested significantly in their children, only to face stricter boundaries and diminished respect in return. Ironically, many of these mothers previously allowed their own mothers or mothers-in-law to provide unsolicited advice and did not voice any complaints. As they step into their roles as matriarchs or grandmothers, they find that societal norms have shifted, and their insights are no longer welcomed.

Frequently, these mothers persist in offering advice, making frequent calls, and "volunteering" help when it is unwelcome. This dynamic mirrors romantic relationships, where one partner pursues closeness while the other distances themselves. The more a mother seeks connection, the more her daughter may retreat. Therapy often aims to help mothers comprehend the reasons behind their daughters’ seemingly "cold" behavior. Daughters often express sentiments such as:

• “She just keeps calling.”
• “She doesn’t hear me out.”
• “She treats me and my husband like children.”
• “She tries to exert control over us.”
• “She ignores my boundaries and perspectives.”

To help mothers better understand their adult daughters, it's crucial to recognize that they have often instilled independence in their children. Now that these daughters are adults—especially if they are parents themselves—they are less inclined to accept their mothers' views as the definitive truth. Daughters-in-law may be even less receptive, having been raised in different environments than their mothers-in-law.

Furthermore, relying on a grandmother's advice for all matters related to child-rearing is increasingly outdated. Modern parenting is highly demanding, and many women define their identity through their specific parenting choices—be it attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding, or other methods. When mothers criticize their parenting decisions, it can be incredibly hurtful.

To improve relationships with adult daughters or daughters-in-law, consider reflecting on these questions:

• “Am I prioritizing our relationship, or merely trying to convey a specific piece of advice?” For instance, convincing your daughter to delay sleep training might not be worth damaging the overall relationship.
• “Am I initiating conversations with positivity?” Conversations filled with criticism or passive-aggressive remarks can sour interactions. Starting with kind words can significantly alter the tone of discussions.
• “Do I genuinely need this information?” Bombarding your daughter with questions about her child's preschool can be overwhelming. Recognize that your inquiries may come off as intrusive rather than caring.
• “Why am I offering financial assistance?” Daughters may perceive financial help as conditional. If you genuinely want to assist, ensure there are no underlying expectations tied to your support.
• “Do I treat my daughter with the same respect as younger women I interact with?” Often, mothers engage positively with younger acquaintances but revert to condescending behavior with their daughters. Being aware of this tendency can help improve interactions.

Chapter 2: Embracing Change

Video Description: This video provides valuable insights into how to foster a positive relationship with your daughter-in-law, emphasizing understanding and mutual respect.

Video Description: Learn effective strategies for handling challenging dynamics with daughters-in-law in this informative video, highlighting communication and empathy.

Additionally, it's important to accept that your daughter-in-law should be your son's primary focus for their marriage to thrive. Constantly viewing her as controlling may blind you to the reasons your son chose her. By making critical remarks about their relationship, you risk damaging your bond with both.

Another key factor is emotional receptivity. If your daughter or daughter-in-law has attempted to express her feelings about your relationship, but you react defensively, you hinder genuine closeness. A healthy relationship thrives on mutual respect and understanding.

Finally, focus on expressing interest in your daughter or daughter-in-law as individuals, rather than solely in relation to their children. For one week, try only asking about their lives, interests, and aspirations. This exercise can reveal how little attention you may have given to their individuality. Here are some sample questions to consider:

• How is work going for you?
• What places do you dream of visiting?
• Have you had time to connect with friends lately?
• What are your career aspirations?
• What are you most proud of achieving?

The overarching lesson is that when a relationship falters, both parties contribute to the conflict. Mothers often view their daughters as the problem, but as they transition into adulthood, self-reflection about one's role in the relationship can lead to a stronger connection.

For further exploration of these dynamics, consider reading "You're Wearing That?" by Deborah Tannen. If this article resonates with you, share it with your mother, mother-in-law, daughter, or daughter-in-law. Until next time, I remain committed to fostering understanding between mothers and daughters, recognizing their partnership as equally important as any other.

For therapy sessions with Dr. Whiten, visit her practice at Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching inquiries, access her resources, and explore her books, including "52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage." Tune into "The Dr. Psych Mom Show" on your preferred podcast platform, and join the Dr. Psych Mom private Facebook group for ongoing discussions about these topics.

This blog is not intended to provide medical advice and should not replace consultation with a healthcare professional. If these suggestions do not yield positive results, please seek professional guidance. All examples used are hypothetical and do not pertain to actual individuals.