Chapter 1: Understanding Expectations

In discussions with business clients and participants at my self-improvement seminars, one question frequently arises: “How do I cope with individuals who consistently let me down?” The phrasing may vary, often becoming rather colorful.

During a personal development seminar I hosted in 2003, attended by around 1,500 people, a woman sat alone near the coffee station, diligently taking notes on a yellow legal pad. After the event, she approached me and expressed, “This might sound negative, but why do I keep attracting individuals who fail to meet my expectations?”

In response, I stated, “Disappointment correlates directly with expectations.”

The higher your expectations of someone or something, the more likely you are to experience significant disappointment. While this cause-and-effect relationship may seem intuitive to some, many people still find themselves deeply hurt when their expectations are unmet.

Ultimately, the truth is that expectations are often the root of disappointment, not the individuals or situations perceived to cause it. Gaining a clearer understanding of people and situations can help adjust your expectations accordingly. Although this advice sounds reasonable, many still expect more from others than they can realistically deliver.

“Expectations are often the real issue, not the person or situation.”

We’ve all heard comments like, “You’d think ____ would know better, right?” My typical response is, “So... are you expecting a cat to bark?” This often earns me a confused look. If you find yourself repeatedly disappointed by others, perhaps the fault lies not with them, but within your own expectations.

I am not defending subpar behavior or performance. Instead, it’s akin to expecting a VW® Bug to perform like a Ferrari® SF90. While the VW® Bug is a reliable vehicle, it cannot be compared to the capabilities of a Ferrari®. Expecting too much from someone or something is like trying to drive a spike into a railroad tie with a rubber mallet—it's not the mallet's fault that it can't accomplish the task.

Realistic optimism is my guiding principle. I don’t consider myself superior to anyone, but I maintain a balanced approach to expectations regarding individuals and situations. The standards you set are not universal. Those around you may agree with your perspective, but it’s essential to recognize that not everyone shares your viewpoint.

When you expect a cat to bark and it only meows, who is truly at fault? We have societal structures like STOP signs and laws precisely because not everyone adheres to the same moral compass. Products are often certified for safety, and airplanes receive FAA approval. Why? Because manufacturers and creators do not perceive the world in identical ways.

“When you expect a cat to bark and the cat disappoints because it can only give you a ‘meow,’ whose fault is that?”

When attendees approach me at seminars saying, “You’d think ____ would act correctly, wouldn’t you?” my internal response is, “Why would you think that?” I do not advocate for setting minimal expectations; rather, I encourage a moment of reflection to assess the reality of the person or situation in front of you. For instance, I do not expect a 3-year-old to behave rationally simply because they are three years old. Expectations should be guided by an understanding that not everyone sees the world in the same way.

Frequently, I’ve noticed that those who are often disappointed are also the ones who inadvertently let others down. I understand—this can’t possibly apply to you! It must be someone else. Please share this insight... about SWERD!

Chapter 2: The Dark Side of Expectations

Expectations can suffocate creativity and stifle personal growth. The video titled "The Dark Side of Expectations: Killing Creativity" dives into this phenomenon, exploring how high expectations can lead to fear of failure and hinder innovative thinking.

Moreover, the video "Dark Side of New Zealand: Expectations vs Reality" illustrates how unrealistic expectations can clash with actual experiences, leading to disappointment in various life scenarios.