# Understanding the Myth of Self-Control and Harnessing Desire
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Chapter 1: The Illusion of Self-Control
During my school years, my lowest grades consistently fell under the category of "Exercises Self-Control." The fact that I still recall this phrase nearly four decades later speaks volumes about its impact on me, particularly since my parents took report cards quite seriously.
For years, I believed that the key to improving my life was self-control. Time and again, I would resolve to save part of my paycheck, convinced that this time would be different because I would finally be able to exercise self-control. Yet, I would inevitably end up spending as usual.
In those critical moments before making a purchase, it felt as if I were desperately searching within myself for the self-restraint that seemed to come so easily to others. Time and again, I found nothing. It felt like trying to navigate with a joystick that wasn’t connected to anything, leaving me feeling trapped in a limited existence because I couldn’t seem to master self-control.
Eventually, I realized the issue wasn’t my lack of self-control; it was the misunderstanding of what self-control actually is. This is frustrating, as many of us strive for this elusive power daily and blame ourselves for not being able to attain it.
Here’s why the concept of self-control is flawed and what we can do instead.
Section 1.1: Desire vs. Control
When we think about self-control, we often see a dichotomy: desire on one side and control on the other. Typically, our desires are linked to things that may not be beneficial for us, while control is associated with positive actions. The idea is that to make better choices, we need to bolster our control to resist our desires.
Consider this scenario: You’re heading home after a long day. You want to relax with takeout and television, but you also feel you ought to hit the gym. When viewing this struggle through the lens of self-control, it seems like a battle between your desires and your ability to control them.
Upon closer examination, this perspective is quite strange. We tend to view gym attendance as an external obligation separate from our true desires. We think we can still go to the gym if we simply exert enough control over our cravings.
However, how can we choose to exert control when what we desire is in direct opposition? Even if we see self-control as an internal force we should be able to activate, we still need to want to turn it on. Something must drive that decision, which is problematic since the essence of control is to counteract our desires.
This illustrates why I argue that self-control is a myth. Control cannot be the antithesis of desire because we cannot propel ourselves in a direction we do not want to go. We are the ones who must choose to direct ourselves, and without desire, that choice becomes a contradiction.
I realize this may sound abstract, but grasping this concept is essential. Acknowledging it can clarify the Kafkaesque experience we encounter when we attempt to alter our behavior through self-control.
Section 1.2: The Misunderstanding of Others’ Self-Control
Before I comprehended all this, I genuinely believed that those who appeared self-controlled were simply choosing to be miserable repeatedly. I thought those who were 'good with money' were just perpetually denying themselves, enduring an endless cycle of discomfort.
As we have established, this notion doesn’t hold up. There must be a motivation behind self-denial; the choice to forgo something must stem from somewhere within us. Therefore, even those who seem purely self-denying must have some desire influencing their decisions.
Does this mean they are simply masochists, opting for suffering for its own sake? No. Most aren’t choosing pain at all.
This realization was enlightening for me. It happened when I discovered a budgeting app that resonated with me. I found joy in tracking my finances and making everything work. Seeing my account in the green instead of the red felt rewarding.
When I shared this with a friend who has always excelled at saving money, she looked at me as if I had just discovered fire. She had been experiencing those little moments of satisfaction all along.
I then understood that these seemingly self-disciplined individuals were not denying themselves pleasure; they were just deriving satisfaction from different sources. My friend found joy in managing her finances, using that feeling as motivation. This approach, unsurprisingly, proved far more effective than my method of viewing budgeting as purely miserable.
This isn't to say my friend doesn't have wants she chooses not to indulge. She appreciates nice boots like anyone else. However, her mindset was different: she wanted the boots but valued the satisfaction of saving more. She wasn’t forcing herself to give up enjoyment; she was simply finding pleasure elsewhere.
This realization highlights a significant flaw in our conventional understanding of self-control. When we perceive our issue as a lack of self-denial, we fail to recognize that wanting more is the key to motivation. We often mistakenly view desire as the obstacle when it is, in fact, the driving force.
Chapter 2: Embracing a Larger Vision
People frequently describe my friend's type of motivation as the ability to delay gratification or activate higher cognitive functions to override basic instincts. If this approach resonates with you, great! However, for me and many of my clients, these descriptions often inadvertently reinforce the control-versus-desire framework that keeps us stuck. I suggest viewing motivation as wanting something bigger and more distant.
The essential shift lies in articulating the outcomes you want to achieve clearly. For example, if you say you shouldn’t buy the boots because “you’re saving for a trip,” the temptation of the boots is likely to win, as they are immediate and alluring.
However, if you vividly envision the warm sand, the ocean breeze, and the freedom of being far removed from work—perhaps even picturing “VACATION” in bold letters on your calendar—you can leverage that desire to overcome the temptation of the boots. By making that larger satisfaction concrete and tangible, you’ll realize it outweighs the fleeting thrill of shopping.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll come to appreciate these moments as proof that you are not some weak person incapable of tackling challenges. You don’t lack self-control; rather, those times you struggled to find motivation were due to a flawed understanding of what drives human behavior.
Harnessing your desires constructively requires practice, but you’ll be amazed at how quickly you can effect change once you start. Motivating behavior through desire is straightforward and powerful because that is precisely what desire is meant to do. It serves as the only functional joystick we have. There’s no need to summon some mythical force of self-denial; you simply need to align the unstoppable energy of your desires with the direction you truly wish to pursue.
This post is part of a series exploring internal resistance—the enigmatic force that hinders us from utilizing our abilities as we wish. For further assistance, connect with me here.