Understanding the Hidden Truth About Expectations in Relationships
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Chapter 1: The Weight of Others' Expectations
Why do you often find yourself as the go-to individual with all the solutions, tirelessly trying to resolve everyone else's issues?
Isn't it time for people to adjust their expectations about what others can do for them?
Take a close friend of mine, whom I'll refer to as "Shara." She has become the central figure in the lives of many around her. As a mother, wife, sister, friend, and neighbor, numerous people look to her for support.
Many individuals expect her to keep their lives on track, desiring her to function like a perfectly efficient system so they can avoid taking responsibility for themselves. The challenge is that Shara, without realizing it, has become so focused on making life easier for others that she's lost sight of her own aspirations and dreams.
You might wonder, what goals could a 70-year-old woman have? The answer: the same as anyone in their 20s, 30s, or 40s—essentially, the same as you.
Shara is an incredibly gifted artist who wishes she had more time to paint. She’s also a talented writer with aspirations to pen a book about her harrowing experience of being wrongfully accused of a crime, ultimately leading to her exoneration years later.
She Was Indicted, Arrested, and Awaits Trial
Does Hallmark even create cards for such a situation?
Is My Friend Facing Federal Prison?
She’ll find out—one week from today.
Shara has various home improvement projects that matter to her, yet the continuous demands from others and constant interruptions have placed her ambitions on indefinite hold. All around her are the invisible hands of other people's needs pulling her further away from her own desires.
Time Is Not on Our Side
As we age, the reality of time's fleeting nature becomes increasingly evident.
Days slip by in the blink of an eye, weeks vanish before we know it, and calendar pages turn with alarming speed. For the last eight months, Shara has attempted to convert a spare bedroom into a studio/office to set up her easel for painting and to create a writing space.
What should be a straightforward task of organizing, rearranging, and painting has turned into an endless battle. The same individuals who requested her assistance with countless resumes lack the time to lend a hand in her moving efforts.
Another person, for whom Shara spent hours designing invitations and addressing envelopes, is too busy to help with a paintbrush.
Understandably, Shara feels disheartened by the lack of reciprocity from friends and family.
“I really don’t understand it,” she said while we enjoyed a glass of wine in her sunroom.
Section 1.1: The Burden of Unreciprocated Help
Trotting across the porch were two dogs: a six-month-old pit bull and a two-year-old Doberman. Their tails wagged eagerly as they paced, anticipating a walk.
“What’s going on with these dogs?” I asked, knowing that she and her husband had decided not to get any pets after their older poodle passed away last year.
Shara explained that her neighbor had asked her to look after the pit bull—Sadie—for three weeks while she traveled to Europe. The Doberman, Mack, had recently been adopted by her daughter.
“She drops him off every morning before heading to FedEx. I take care of Mack until she picks him up after work,” Shara clarified.
“Wait a minute,” I interjected. “Her husband works from home. Why is the dog here every day?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, sounding weary. “She says it’s inconvenient with her trying to work. Mack requires too much attention.”
“Why adopt him if they expect you to take care of him daily?”
It appears that this is the plan. While I sympathize with Shara, I also recognize that she is playing a role in her predicament.
The Truth About Others' Expectations
Why do some individuals maintain unreasonable expectations of others? What fuels this sense of entitlement?
In many cases, these “over-expectors” exhibit narcissistic traits, characterized by excessive self-focus at the expense of others. Often, these individuals were spoiled as children, having their problems solved for them without learning to tackle challenges independently.
People with rigid expectations typically cultivate unbalanced relationships, expecting to receive without the need to give back. Their focus remains on their needs.
How do we manage relationships with those who have high expectations but lack the inclination to reciprocate?
Section 1.2: Establishing Healthy Boundaries
Understanding that unrealistic expectations are detrimental is crucial. They erode relationships and hinder the goals of the other person.
Additionally, unreasonable demands can set the giver up for failure. I think of Shara, overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for two energetic dogs while recovering from knee surgery.
Nothing good could arise from any of the likely scenarios. As an animal lover, I question the wisdom of placing their care in the hands of someone who may struggle to meet their needs.
Setting firm boundaries is essential to shut down unrealistic expectations.
When establishing boundaries, utilizing "I" statements to express concerns while promoting realistic thinking is vital. For example, I wish Shara had told her neighbor:
“I’m sorry. I wish I could care for Sadie while you are away, but I can’t. I know there are excellent boarding facilities in the city—you might want to check them out. I’ll also ask a few friends for recommendations.”
In this response, she firmly communicated her inability to help while simultaneously offering assistance in finding an alternative.
It’s important to remember that we do not always have to be people-pleasers. However, we can still offer support in different ways.
In an article discussing how to let go of unrealistic expectations, the author suggests that humor can be effective. Shara could have jokingly remarked to her daughter:
“That’s funny! You think I’m going to walk that eighty-pound dog twice a day while your husband sits at his desk? Not happening! Besides, I’m too busy lunching with my friends—you need to find a better solution.”
Final Thoughts
It's essential to recognize that expectations and boundaries originate from the same source—they are both efforts to have our needs met. They serve as vital structures that allow our relationships to be more balanced.
Boundaries encourage healthy reflection of our needs, facilitating the communication of our expectations in ways that foster mutual respect.
The reality of expectations should never be concealed—they should thrive under the light of shared understanding.
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© 2024 Deborah Camp. All rights reserved. Thank you for your attention.